Well let me just tell you about Texas. It fucking rules.
I have maybe never had more fun than I did this past weekend in Austin and Luling Texas for the annual Watermelon Thump Festival.
Hosted by Sam Houston Wilson Jr. and Sam Wilson & Co.- they are the greatest.
Houston’s dad grew up in Luling, this little town about an hour away from Austin. So we spent most of the time there but we did get to do a little bit of Austin on both ends of the trip.
Texas may have invented fun. Good Lord.

First Meal at the Green Mesquite. Chopped beef on a bun, Fried okra, onion rings. Heaven.

Papa Wilson and Jr.

Waiting for the Austin Bats to come out from under the bridge at sunset.

There they are, this is like 1/100th of how many there actually were.

We walked into the house in Luling and found this guy. We stood there looking at him for a minute and Houston said “Oh he just needed to use the phone.”

The pool that made the trip- we ate meals in here, we moved it like 10 times trying to find level ground. I think I spent 90% of the time in Luling IN that pool eating, drinking, and even peeing at one point.

Step 1. Fill it up.

Step 2. Keep doing that.

Every time we looked at Sam’s shirt, the sweat pattern was different. Houston called it the tea leaves of sweating- you could see the future in it.

The Pecan orchard.

Waiting for skeet.

Waiting for mini targets.

Everybody keeps cozys in their car for drinking.

So the other big deal we’d been reading about in the paper is the ongoing election of this year’s Thump Queen. We read the interviews, had our favorites, and they were all walking around the carnival everynight! It was like meeting celebrities! They were all high school juniors and hot as hell. Sweet too.
Houston was going up to all the losers who were now named “Duchess” and talking shit saying “We’re VERY unhappy with the results of this election. It’s BULLSHIT! That queen is so snooty!” That’s Him, Sabrina (my favorite) and Houston’s younger sister Carrie. His youngest sister couldn’t come. But carrie is a fucking firecracker.

Ali- Sam and Sylvia’s favorite.

Jeanette- houston’s one-time favorite but he switched later.

Fun house- we went into this place maybe 20 times because Tessa loved it so much.

This is when we had the really good idea about lying down on the Train tracks. I don’t remember this part of the evening. At all.

Finding a float! The parade was going to be the following morning so we were thrilled at this discovery. HEB is like Safeway out there. This was their Ice Cream Float. (HA!)

Next morning- 9am. At the store making difficult decisions.

Waiting for the parade to start!

I’m happy we didn’t find this one when we were drunk. It would have been too dangerous.

Everybody was upset because they were like “DID JESUS HAVE WHEELS ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS CROSS?!”
This next one really took the cake though:

Oh that’s right. One side had a rapper in fatigues freestyling about Freedom Being Paid for with Blood and on the other, A bloodied Jesus on the Cross.

Followed by this float.

Freedom is paid for with COTTON CANDY!

Last year’s queen, Vanessa.

This years queen>

Parade viewing is EXHAUSTING! so we went to the Mill to Swim. And for the following sequence we switch to Disposable Cameras because I sure have learned my lesson about taking my Digital Camera to large bodies of water.

Are you serious. The greenest River with Tall trees and a rope swing by a decaying old mill. Nothing could be sweeter…

Houston tore this one in half.

Todd’s got chops.


Tessa in the Melon.

Houston and Crystal

Brandon and B Smith.


Tarzan and Jane.

B Smith diving for the rope.

I drank so much of that goddam river water.

Then we swam down to the Dam.

Jus drinking lone stars sittin on a dam.

Houston and Carrie

The mill

The Dam.

Throwing the watermelon at the saw.

Texan Gothic.


Carnival night II. The Carnage…

Tessa is the most beautiful girl in the world I’m almost 100% postitive. This is while we’re waiting to get the shit spun out of us on the Zipper.

You would think this lady just got off the zipper. She didn’t.

We only had a few minor run-in’s with these guys.

Drunk food.

Meeting the Queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That shirt was printed with Watermelong scented Ink. OMFG.

My lovely hosts.

Julie Reyes, Houston’s other favorite.

Our second to last ride- the Whirlwind. IT really really hurt.

But it was also fun.

Back at the house killing wasps.

Corn Dog!

Cajun Food. Yes, those are squirrel and rabbit skins hanging over the food.

Leaving Luling, passing through Lockhart.

Lockhart’s main street.

Going back to regular life sucks so hard.

I’m going back next year, WHO’S COMING WITH ME?!