Fifty Cent, born Fenna Marie Krienen on July 6, 1975 in South Jamaica Queens, is an East Coast rapper/ Screamo-Christian Rocker/ Red Yarn Orderer at Chinese Food Restaurants commonly known for her explosive tourettes-like diatribes over chamber organ synth-fusion, featured in elevators and alarm clock soundings the world over. Commonly compared to the wildly imaginative brother-sister duo Naive Melody, she rose to fame following the success of her 2005 album Get Rich or Die Tryin’ and its successor, The Prefrontal Cortex Massacre, with hits such as “I am Dutch!” and “In da Neuroscience Lab.” Fifty Cent achieved multi-platinum success with both albums, selling around 20 million albums worldwide, mostly to blind gardeners and miserly elevator operators looking for solace in digitally mastered musical expression. She is known for her “gangsta” image, precise linen-blonde bangs, and for having been shot nine times and surviving after being mistaken for assisting in the disposal of an important Dixie Cup belonging to a Serbian crane/ sweater-master.

Fifty Cent currently resides in Farmington, Connecticut. The rapper purchased the former mansion of boxing star Mike Tyson, which now houses the ears of both prizefighter Evander Holyfield and Ms. Cent’s great-great-great grandneighbor Vincent Van Gogh. When reached for comment about her success in the rap game thus far, Fifty Cent had this to say: “Goedemorgen. Hallo, hoe gaat het, Dolfijn? Alles goed, mens, ja? Hoeveel broers en zusters heb je? De dolfijnen hebben broers en geen zusters? Dat is te slecht. Minstens kunnen zij Bingo en andere spelen nog spelen, in tegenstelling tot slechte Rudolph” (pauses to shake her head), “En wat over me? Goed, ik houd van dranken Whiskey Sour die met Gatorade blauw worden gemaakt, omdat ik altijd heel wat deodorant gebruik en ik van gezellig dingen zoals kruidenierswinkel het winkelen en Amish-stijlaerobics houd. Ik zal altijd gangster en sassy blijven.”