A tale of Tofurkey

My Tanksgibin rocked, how boutchoo? What’d you do? I kicked it old school in Palm Beach with my freaky family. We’re pretty awesome though. The reunion was full of food, overeating, and moments of being uncomfortably full. Thas just how we do.

Shout out to my main squeezy Sam! The reunion was sweet. Even if Sam did sell out to work for the Bioterrorism department of New Yorks municipal government.

We’re all mildly good looking to say the least. We just have too many redheads screwing up our overall average.

I spent two days cooking a cruelty free feast. I’m talking veggie pot pie, sweet potato casserole grren bean casserole, mashed taters, cornbread stuffing, gravy and c’berry sauce. Whew, that shit was worth it but nonetheless…

My grandpa insisted on killing a 20lb turkey in spite of and despite my valient vegan efforts.

I forgave him though because he’s like 80 something and he gave his all for the Great Pumkin Trophy. He didn’t get the trophy but he’s a winner in my eyes.

There were so many tinies at T-givin dinner! Chloe claims to be part Asian but I’ve got authentic ones in my family.

I take great pride in being a positive influence on my younger cousins. Charlie now really appreciates the value of bling.

But I don’t remember much after I lost a drinking competition with my fifteen year old cousin. I’m not sure but I think she’s related to Pat.

The next day was real fun though. Maybe you didn’t know but many lowbrow celebrities reside in Palm Beach. Donald Trump is no exception. We decided to cruise the premises but we had to fit in. Luckily my Aunt drives a Beamer. It’s eight years old though so eventually our cover was blown.

Much to our surprise, there was a huge sign at the servants entrance at Trumps Lago Del Mar. “Mr. Trump will be overseeing the auditions for his hand in marriage as his previous wife just celebrated her 25th birthday rendering her antiquated. Inquire within.”

Hannah and I immediately began shopping for the audition. Her first choice was a sub-par sequined horror. She wasn’t particularly fond of it.

I fell in love with this little party number. It was $350 and consequently out of my price range.

Eveningwear should have been a cinch.

I may have misinterpreted that part of the audition though.

Needless to say, I didn’t win Donald’s hand in marriage. My feelings were hurt, but nothing that a night of drunken debochery couldn’t cure.

Hannah did make the finals as she was the only one in Donald’s requested age range but in the end, all we needed was each other, and Ann aparrently needed a toilet too.

I miss Sammy, anyone gonna be in New York with us for New Years?

I also ceased my crush on Erik cause Sasha looks alarmingly similar to him… but damn Sasha’s hella fine… for a cousin.

So’s Ann, and fellas, she’s single… and eats pie for breakfast. A winning combo.

Thanksgiving was too short and the trip home was depressing. Good thing I had those little airplane crackers to cheer me up. Hasta later blogland!!!
(p.s. i think i deserve to be moved up at least two rankings if that’s not asking too much)

7 Responses to “A tale of Tofurkey”


  1. 1 bryan

    look at granpa. ha! what a champ.

  2. 2 hannah

    im 14

  3. 3 anya

    that blonde boy cousin of yorn's gonna be a heartbreaker

  4. 4 emily aka balthazar

    oh man. break me off a piece of cousin pie. is he a first cousin, cause i say second and beyond is fair game. for you that is. does that make me a little bit inbred?

  5. 5 elliot

    nyc..new years.. oh jeah

  6. 6 hannah

    oh yea that sasha kid is HOT

  7. 7 ann

    New Years, the Big City, me three.

  1. 1 her imports

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