In case you tend to bypass the candy aisles at your local friendly drugs stores (for shame!), I’ll fill you in: Valentine’s Day is like, tomorrow. I’ll admit it too, lately I’ve been thinking about love. How has love, this sweetest of all sweet babies, manifested itself in my life since last Valentine’s Day? Answer: Handles! I love Love Handles, and it’s starting to show. From my glowing face to fertile body, you can just tell that I’m falling in love.
I have been unflinchingly dedicated to food for my whole life, and it’s an ever-increasingly beautiful thing we’ve got going. Food never gets mad at me and tells me that I’m a sarcastic jerk and too negative for my own good, and I’ve gotta be honest here, Food is ALWAYS there for me. I’m talking day and night and even when Food is seeing other people. It has maybe only let me down once, that time I ate bad salsa in Tijuana and Food and I broke up for about 48 lonely hours, but it’s seriously been smooth (and sometimes crunchy and sometimes tangy) sailing ever since. So Food, this blog is for you. Remember that time we went to Europe and you and Handles got together and gave me that really awesome gift that weighed like 10 pounds? I play with that gift everyday. Today, I took it running. Food, I love you so much. Here’s to another 80 years:

[p.s. Through no fault of my own, my computadora crashed and fucked up many of my photos, Food. Please don’t take it personally that not all of these photos do justice to your glory.]

Food, you were very forceful with me when I arrived cold and alone in Bordeaux. But it was for the better, I think.

Sometimes you made me eat breakfast with your friend (and my enemy) Pernod so that we could invoke Hemingway. You always know the right things to do.

On the 10th day, god invented Mayonnaise.

And on the 11th day, Food orally pleasured me in Ireland.

Food, you and I had a long and torrid affair with the Banoffi intercessor. He ultimately made you jealous, I think.

But we made up and it was beautiful.

Who knew that you could be flavored so delicately even after a heavy night of drinking rum?

In one of your lesser, albeit intriguing forms. I love you even with your make-up off.

Metaphors abound.

Remember this night? This was the first time I delicately pierced your outer protective layer, and you gave yourself to me in a sea of the smoothest cream.

You know just how to tempt me.

Sometimes you like to include utensils in our games, but it doesn’t bother me, Food. I know it will help me enjoy you more too.

Sometimes my hands and mouth move towards you without thinking. I just can’t control myself when I’m around you!

You’ve tried to get me to explore your more oceanic flavors, but that’s just the one thing I won’t do, Food. I’m sorry.

You’re so good to me. You always remember to let me drink away the memory a little bit, but only on the nights when we’ve made mistakes together.

Remember when we said that, “What happens in Bosnia, stays in Bosnia?”

You’ve always been so fertile, I just know that someday we’ll expand our family.

There was that time that Drink tried to come between us.

He nearly did it too.

Now however, Drink is but a distant memory, growing evermore blurry in my mind.

Sometimes you make us beautiful, Food.

Sometimes you give us Autism too. But I know you’re just trying to keep things exciting.

I could really never cheat on you.

You see? You’ve got me wrapped all the way around your finger-foods!

On the 12th day, god invented gluttony.

And on the 13th day, we thanked him for it.

Remember that time I said I only wanted you once? But you gave yourself to me four times?

That’s truly a beautiful memory.

Sometimes you tease me with all of your options.

And sometimes I even get distracted.

But then you always remind me why we love each other and how come we work so well together.

I really don’t think I’ll ever leave you, Food.

Especially not when you give me unexpected presents and leave crumbly little reminders in my bed so that I think of you all day.

I hope you’re not getting bored with me, Food. Remember when we spent time with Bri in Paris and the four of us engaged in something that was really rather sinful? I’m always willing to expand our repertoire. Oh how I love you so! Happy Valentine’s Day.

with all my heart,