Queen Latifah gave me a hug






I’ve had many brief conversations with my mailman, but the last one was too long and towards the end he said, “We should get a drink sometime,” and because I wanted to still receive my mail and not to be rude I said, “Sure that sounds like a good idea.” He ruined my life by saying, “Great, I’ll pick you up at 8.” And with a big smile on his face he laughed, “Don’t worry, I know where you live.”

“So how many dogs have you been bitten by?” I asked. Then I yawned.

He looked at me while squeezing his lime into the gin and tonic and said, “A better question would have been: How many dogs have been bitten by me?” He took a sip.

I wondered if this was a date or whether I was about to be a serial killers first victim. I hoped it was the latter and excused myself to the restroom hoping to find a suicide bomber who was having second thoughts so I could convince him to go through with it.

Coming to terms



It’s hard for me to accept the truth that my girlfriend and my dog lead way more interesting lives than I do. One has recently left on a sojourn to Mars to research the effects Myrtle Beach-gray colored sweatshirts have on E.T.’s.
And the other has started her own posse of easy riding canines. They call themselves the LegHumpers.

don’t be left stranded


It’s been my theory that when aliens vacation here they arrive from the deep blue sea. If they do bring luggage, which doesn’t happen very often, their suitcases are always clad in shiny silver.



The bow and arrow was invented by Franklin Bowenairo in the summer of 1983 as a response to the ever-growing popularity of the Atari game system. Franklin sold his invention to the Native Americans along time ago so he could finance the projects that would inevitably make him very, very famous.
A few of his most famous contributions:
1. Walls: F.B. was born with an allergy to breeze. At the age of 4 he erected his first wall.
2. Mustache: At the end of an intense 6 day battle of D & D F.B. invented the mustache. He sold his idea to the pornography for a tidy sum-load.
3. Magic: Sometime during the 1990s (no one knows for sure) F.B. combined the backboard shattering hugeness of Shaquille O’Neal with the lady-slaying prowess of Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway, thus creating magic.