Baby’s First Christmas

Emily, Hallie, Derek and I went to the first night of Joanna Newsom at the Great American Music Hall. She was so good, so angelic, so beautiful, I get a stomachache everytime I think about her.

Hallie was there in full force. She bawled through the entire show. But seriously.

Em and I parked in a rape alley in the Tenderloin so Derek accompanied us to my car. We hung out in the alley for a while. That guy that sings “Lean on Me” in Union Square all the time gave us a private show, a woman told us the cops had taken away her only crack pipe, and one guy kindly offered us some morphine. The alley had such a friendly neighborhood feel, I’m thinking of moving to the TL.

I’m really liking the time I spend at the Cole&Fell house. Jordan teaches me something new every day. I like jam on toast. And I like jam on man. I mean boy.

Also he’s a crazy person. But he gives a mean foot massage so he’s good to keep around.

SWF.

Oh hey, good lookin. I know it doesn’t look like it here, because he’s all clean shaven, but Derek is the father of that house. The Dad. The boss. The disciplinarian. And I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that Jordan quite enjoys being disciplined by him, too.

Then it was Christmas Eve, and since I had no commitments that night, I went to Ashley’s family’s party. She looked stunning.

And so did the twins.

I was trying to blend in with all the gentiles, so I wore some pearls.

But then when we were caroling, I found out Jews and Gentiles aren’t as different as one might think. When we Jews can’t come up with any lyrics that rhyme with toughies like “we-were-slaves-in-egypt-please-feel-sorry-for-us-even-though-we’ve-done-pretty-well-
for-ourselves-in-hollywood” we use refrains like “dai dai dai” or “lai lai lai” (just ask leonard cohen or simon and garfunkel). Likewise, when the Christians cannot come up with a rhyme for “if-you-don’t-love-the-baby-jesus-you-will-go-to-hell” they use “rum” or “pum” refrains. Though I really don’t understand why they don’t just use “blah blah blah …will go to hell…blah blah blah… santa’s sleigh bells.” Rhymes perfectly.

Cultural exchange: they showed me all the moves for “The 12 Days of Christmas” and I showed them the moves I learned on ANTM for making your arms look skinny.

I played a Christian for a night and hung an ornament on the tree, though my Jewish OCD reared its ugly head when it took me many many painstaking minutes to decide what branch to hang it on.

Then I went to Rachael’s parents’ house in Berkeley for Christmas Day. They gave me a scientific toy called a gyroscope. It defies gravity, which is cool, because I don’t believe in that anyway. Unicorns, rainbows, gravity, tall buildings, physics in general, really.

We took the doggies for a walk.

And then we cooked dinner with crazy ingredients, like this cauliflower-esque vegetable we named spirulini. Supposedly it grows out of the earth looking like this, but I don’t so much believe that either. Pretty sure there’s some magic at work.

I take cooking very seriously. And looking like a gentile on Christmas. This time I went with red shirt and green headband. Hella Christy-looking.

Then my old friend Matty B had some people over cuz his folks were out of town. Partytime! Alex and I always have a blast together.

That’s Matt, in case you don’t know. I’ve known him since I was 14. He took me to Amoeba for the first time. He also offered to take me to prom (but only if I made my own dress out of saran wrap). Memories…

AK is a large man/child. Look how tiny that tea cup is compared to him!

Rahhhhhhhh.

I’ve also known Adam since I was 14. One day, we’re gonna make out. One day…

Jay, Alex, and AK were naked in the hot tub for about two hours. Three men, all spoken-for, in a big sausage stew. Wasn’t exactly how Matt foresaw his hot tub plan.

Jay was pretty pruney and pretty disappointed no one else would join the hot tub party.

Lately, Alex is getting classier…

…and classier.

When I close my eyes and hug AK, I can imagine I am that much closer to Nicole, who I have a huge girlcrush on. Nicole and Joanna have a similar look: ridiculously beautiful.

And we’ve come full circle. I miss Joanna. I wake up every morning with a different part of the new album stuck in my head. aaaaaaaajhjhhhhhhhhh.

bye blog.
love chloe.

OH GOD KARI IS LEAVING ME. On January 2nd, our dear friend Kari Nye will take off for a semester in France. That is, by far, the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me on my birthday (I am turning 22 on the 2nd, if that hint was not clear).

Emily, Rachael, and Elise had a cocktail party, but there were a lot more cocks and tails there than cocktails. Emily is beautiful, in case you haven’t noticed.

I let Joe have my camera for a little, but he just made me angry.

Elise would probably say that you can see their auras in this picture. What a hippie.

I thought Rachael was hanging turkeys, but I’m pretty sure she was actually auditioning for a part as an ass&titties music video girl. HELLO.

Nick, Elise, and I made a diversity turkey. United Colors of Benneton wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving, A Merry Chrismukah, and a Happy New Year.

AZN HOTTIES.

I love when weird things happen in the background.

It was also a moustache party.

Priya cootaps herself?

Hallie showed up. She’s lookin amazing these days.

And then things started to heat up, so it was time to head over to CZ for Kari’s going away party.

Bob and Sailor Moon headed over on the cycle. Please don’t die.

There was a lot of this.

And also a lot of this. HOTTTT.

Hallie wanted me to add to the evidence and just started shouting “GAY GAY GAY” over and over so that I’d take a picture. But I don’t know, AK and Bryan are looking pretty hetero these days….

…I mean, look at Bryan’s pervy eyes.

Chelsuck and Brittany stopped by. How amazing are Brittany’s eyes??

GROUPSHOT.

The woman of the night. Please don’t leave me.

Cam and Eleanor. I have a crush on Eleanor because she is the most precious. Hey, I like ’em young.

So does Hallie. T minus a few seconds until Hallie makes an inappropriate statuatory rape joke.

AK never ceases to amaze me with the extent of his voyeuristic/pervy facial expressions. This one’s some next level shit.

There was a huge uterus in the common room. You know how sometimes you wish you could just crawl back into the womb? Done and done.

“Hey Kari, look at these naked pictures I took of all our friends. I have a secret peephole none of y’all know about. But don’t worry, I won’t show anyone. Except maybe AK. And Aaron. And maybe I’ll blog about it too.”

This is my HOT friend Sarah.

And Aimee. Art history girls, man. Amazing.

Everyone (well at least me and the other hypochondriacs) was freaking out because some sort of projectile vomiting oral/fecal bubonic plague was going around CZ. I wore gloves the whole night and kept warning people not to put their hands in their mouth. AK relied on antibacterial lotion. Cameron warned us with visual reenactments of what is to come.

I don’t know who took this, or when, or why I look like I’m not enjoying myself, because I can assure you that I am.

Then Matt and Alex showed up and a good portion of everyone I love in the world was in one room at one time. I had such a good time.

Plus I got to have this rubbing up all over me.

And of course I returned the favor with all the Tallahassee moves Marcy has taught me over the last year.

The moral of the story is: Moustaches make everything more fun, my friends are the most good looking group of people I’ve ever seen, and Kari please don’t leave because it’s giving me a stomachache. I love you all a lot.

bye blog.
love chloe.

december is here

I’m getting sick and tired of Christmas trees everywhere I look reminding me how fucked our planet’s vegetation is and its not even two weeks into December! Meanwhile, I am looking forward to all the pairs of socks I am bound to get on every night of Chanukah. It’s not fucking “Christmas Break” for me, Christlovers. Lets try and stick to the non-denominational “Winter Break” title instead. That way I don’t have to feel more Jewish than I already do every time I — ooh! I just found a penny in the couch.

It is going to be really weird without Kari here next semester.

It’s already starting to hurt my feelings.

Hallie started playing harp again lately and her fingertips are real sore. Also don’t put Derek in front of a tv/dvd/videogame/cartoon because he will totally zone out and forget that you are trying to lick his face. Oops, is that weird to say out loud?

Rachael has been taking Urban Gardening and brought me and Elise along one night to harvest some broccoli.

Lookin for a good one…

Score.

That is the damn sexiest broccoli I’ve ever seen.

Cabbage Patch Kids always creeped me out. But I love me some Broccoli Patch Kids.

“Hark! A tractor!” I really don’t know why we were both soooo pleased to be sitting in a field of manure.

Then Rachael took us home and made “Broccoli 400 Ways.” Seriously though, broccoli salad, vegan broccoli truffle souffle, broccoli fennel soup, and broccoli seitan bake. Delicious. Everyone was moving around except Elise, who was very focused on pouring wine.

Time to show off all the cool things my new camera can do again!

If you set it on red, it does weird, but also strangely hot things to human faces. Boy Cary is pretty.

Why? I don’t know. And apparently neither did Rach.

Sometimes though, it just makes you look dead.

Bryan was doing laundry at Derek/Sandy/Alex/Jordan’s house, so he played dress-up in Sandy’s new pants. I think maybe they were a little too tight near his “danger zones.” That’s what my roommate calls the crotch area.

HipsterScumVille, population Bryan Derballa, and hopefully me as soon as I get my single speed.

Classiest Webmaster Award.

Jordan does pretty gay things to Derek when he passes out. I do pretty heterosexual things to him when he passes out, though, so I can’t really talk. Just kidding. But seriously.

Alex came to visit me! He doesn’t know what to do all day now that he’s a free man. But you can add these to the photolist he’s already given of activities he’s partaking in to pass time:

Balancing exercises.

Other balancing exercises.

How excited are we to be studying for finals?? HELLA excited.

This would be a pretty good Nike add. JUST DO IT.

I was just telling Cameron how excited I am about finals.

WHAT%*$&#$&#^!#U@$(*&% Bianca is hella hard. Except that it took her half an hour to “braid and spraypaint” her hair. Classic Bianca words. She meant hairspray, duh.

Oh, would you look at THAT?! Looks like HipsterScumVille population just went up! I like it here, I think I just might make it my permanent residence.

I love you all. Happy Holidays, and not just the Christ-ey kind. For us Jews, its not so much the time of year for giving, caroling, wreaths, and mistletoe. Its the time of year for searching desperately for the one shelf of Chanukah candles in the grocery store, fearing Mel Gibson’s next blockbuster, and feeling very very guilty about buying an expensive bike. Now tell me that doesn’t sound like fun!
bye blog.
love chloe.

novelty

the novelty of having a digital camera has NOT worn off yet.

i’m pretty sure i was adopted. also my sister is hella hot.

bitches.

chelsea wanted to know if she should keep her hair blonde, so I tested what she’d look like with brown hair. mine wasn’t long enough though so we asked emmy to do it.

but that just looked like a pube toupee.

emmy is pretty. she needs to be told. the night before my show i went to her house and asked if i could practice my songs for her. she got all excited and told me to go get my guitar. so i was about four bars into my first song when she said: “coo, am i pretty?”
that is typical emily, the most absurd and loveable human being i know.

emmy has been nannying and she thinks this is what babies constantly look like. idiots.

kariemmylove. at lunch kari said we were embarrassing her with all the pictures and left.

i like those. step OFF.

matching pants, matching hearts. gross. we are dead inside and dont you forget it. fuckingpunkfuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. that was for chelsea.

after class the light was amazing. so were emily’s handlebars.

THEN I WENT and made friends with all of bryan’s new friends cuz that’s part of the master plan. derek and sandy and alex and jordan and patti (whoihaveacrushon). you should probably meet them and befriend them because they rule.

derek broke his wrist and then got doored and then got hit by a car. i, meanwhile, got a new digicam that has a macro setting. start wearing helmets fools.

jordan scares me a little bit. oh and jordan if you read this i know some girls who wanted me to let you know that they think you’re hot, they like like to be scared, and they are easy. lemme know if you’re interested and i’ll hook it up.

REMEMBER that one amazing picture that bryan posted from thailand where everything was black and white except for the monk, who was wearing an orange robe? yeah well i discovered that setting on my new camera and it’s AMAAAAAZING.

BLACK AND WHITE AND YELLOW.

this camera is CRAZY.

sandy is so cute.

drock.

HOW does it know?

adorable.

then i found the “color swap” setting where you can make everything that is one color another color, and obviously my first thought was, can i turn white people black, because that would be amazing. i tried it out on jordan. but the answer is nope, it just turns them blue. frightening.

bye blog.
love chloe.

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