Our man turned twenty-one. His California License featuring none other than Dirty Sanchez and his Band of Moustaches is now legally licensed to thrill. We are very happy that he graces us daily with his presence and friendship, and everyone on the flannel scene is anxiously holding their respective breaths for the unveiling of Mr. Meinke’s highly anticipated entrepreneurial venture, Chez Jonny.
As Mr. Meinke is known for his thorough appreciation of “tough-guy music,” the restaurant’s first 1 customer(s) will receive a complimentary Maroon 5 cd courtesy of the owner, his two younger sisters, and their bathroom cd player (also known in the non-contiguous United States as a boombox or sound-zipper).
Although it probably cannot compete with Mr. Meinke’s previous hand-modeling and frantic pony-gymnastics hair experimentation, Chez Jonny is expected to impress critics nationwide with its candid appreciation of what the barbeque means to every man and woman’s inner cave-animal.
Summarizing his existence from under a Virgin Airlines “sweet dreams” sleeping mask on the linoleum floor of Barcelona Prat Airport, Mr. Meinke once said, “it’s all good!” From all of us here at headquarters, we would like to wish Mr. Meinke another amazing twenty-one and then an exponential amount of twenty-ones after that until he gets tired of making everyone around him have a good time and decides that it is time to chill with cherubic angels.
Fifty Cent, born Fenna Marie Krienen on July 6, 1975 in South Jamaica Queens, is an East Coast rapper/ Screamo-Christian Rocker/ Red Yarn Orderer at Chinese Food Restaurants commonly known for her explosive tourettes-like diatribes over chamber organ synth-fusion, featured in elevators and alarm clock soundings the world over. Commonly compared to the wildly imaginative brother-sister duo Naive Melody, she rose to fame following the success of her 2005 album Get Rich or Die Tryin’ and its successor, The Prefrontal Cortex Massacre, with hits such as “I am Dutch!” and “In da Neuroscience Lab.” Fifty Cent achieved multi-platinum success with both albums, selling around 20 million albums worldwide, mostly to blind gardeners and miserly elevator operators looking for solace in digitally mastered musical expression. She is known for her “gangsta” image, precise linen-blonde bangs, and for having been shot nine times and surviving after being mistaken for assisting in the disposal of an important Dixie Cup belonging to a Serbian crane/ sweater-master.
Fifty Cent currently resides in Farmington, Connecticut. The rapper purchased the former mansion of boxing star Mike Tyson, which now houses the ears of both prizefighter Evander Holyfield and Ms. Cent’s great-great-great grandneighbor Vincent Van Gogh. When reached for comment about her success in the rap game thus far, Fifty Cent had this to say: “Goedemorgen. Hallo, hoe gaat het, Dolfijn? Alles goed, mens, ja? Hoeveel broers en zusters heb je? De dolfijnen hebben broers en geen zusters? Dat is te slecht. Minstens kunnen zij Bingo en andere spelen nog spelen, in tegenstelling tot slechte Rudolph” (pauses to shake her head), “En wat over me? Goed, ik houd van dranken Whiskey Sour die met Gatorade blauw worden gemaakt, omdat ik altijd heel wat deodorant gebruik en ik van gezellig dingen zoals kruidenierswinkel het winkelen en Amish-stijlaerobics houd. Ik zal altijd gangster en sassy blijven.”